Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
You Might Also Like
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
me irl
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Happy thanksgiving
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
this isn’t threatening at all
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”