When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.