My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.