Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.