I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.