I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”