Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me: ……. Sure.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.