@smerobin

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

@smerobin

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

@smerobin

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

@smerobin

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

@smerobin

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

@smerobin

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.