@funTweeters
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My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man