BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?
– 4 Non Bonds
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out