@sofarrsogud

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

@sofarrsogud

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

@sofarrsogud

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

@sofarrsogud

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

@sofarrsogud

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

@sofarrsogud

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

@sofarrsogud

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

@sofarrsogud

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.