“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.