ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?