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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

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Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

@sofarrsogud

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

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Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out