@sonictyrant

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

@sonictyrant

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

@sonictyrant

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

@sonictyrant

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

@sonictyrant

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

@sonictyrant

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

@sonictyrant

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol