@st__arving

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

@st__arving

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

@st__arving

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

@st__arving

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@st__arving

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

@st__arving

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

@st__arving

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

@st__arving

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.