Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die