@stewnami

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

@stewnami

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

@stewnami

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

@stewnami

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

@stewnami

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

@stewnami

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

@stewnami

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.