Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.