Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
The Book. The Movie.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.