I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain