Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Be cool, be cool,
~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.