A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason