Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
You Might Also Like
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.