Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*