A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.