a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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is this a threat
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.