Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
This is my emotional support knife.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.