@thelateinnings

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

@thelateinnings

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

@thelateinnings

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

@thelateinnings

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*