I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.