Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.