Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
The glory of fall.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM