Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.