Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.