all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Had an epiphany today.
