Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”