I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
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I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
when someone rings the doorbell
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
<- sleeps well with others
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.