{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.