*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?