The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.