@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@velvettusk

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

@velvettusk

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

@velvettusk

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

@velvettusk

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

@velvettusk

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

@velvettusk

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@velvettusk

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

@velvettusk

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp