@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.