Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The Friday File.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship