Him: omg you showered!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.