“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!
Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”