“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*
Being an adult is stupid.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.