@yung__spider

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

@yung__spider

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@yung__spider

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

@yung__spider

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

@yung__spider

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@yung__spider

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

@yung__spider

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@yung__spider

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@yung__spider

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car