umm…
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
eggs benadryl
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.