@zoeklar

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

@zoeklar

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

@zoeklar

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

@zoeklar

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

@zoeklar

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?