USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
#SuperBowl
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter