@actioncookbook

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

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@Lerky

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

@Iloveearwormz

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

@iporem

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

@SamGrittner

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

@LlamaInaTux

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

@ADDiane

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

@AimeeHelene1

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

@Rollmaninoz

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

@bobvulfov

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook