You can only regret what you remember.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
For “Mean Tweets”
Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook