USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?