@themorris23 To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
@actioncookbook USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
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@themorris23 
@_SetTheHook_ Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
@AndyAsAdjective 20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
@Adam_Kingsnorth Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
@shutupmikeginn Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
@markydoodoo But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
@jctwritesstuff The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
@goodgrief_rats I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
@murrman5 *opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
@JimmerThatisAll My tumbleweed is never where I left it.