*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”