*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
#JohnTravolta
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.