*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
set yourself free xox
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.